A ton of babies, capes and penis exemptions

I think my cat is cooler than a lot of babies, also at least some toddlers and arguably quite a few teenagers. But definitely a ton of babies. Part of it is that he's an especially awesome cat but a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm just pretty unimpressed in general with babies. They don't emerge as something cute, they're just varying degrees of red and alien-looking, yes, even yours, despite what all of your friends and blood relations may have said. It wasn't born cute and it didn't look like either of you half as much as it did a B-movie extra-terrestrial. This is just a fact.

Now I am not saying cats are super awesome. I am happy with owning just the one and even when he "goes off to college" as one of my friends (who clearly also has similar appreciation for their feline) put it, I'm not totally sure I'll get another. It'd be like the plots of those movies where the super awesome kid passes away young and then the kinda sub-par sibling has to spend their lives trying to measure up. They always pretty much fail at achieving awesome, which is understandable since they were sub-par all along, but still kinda sucks for them you know? Don't think I could put a cat through that...

But anyway, what I AM saying is that being forced to look at countless baby pictures and lie to you all about how adorable they are and how much their little alien slits resemble your eyes is not cool. Not everybody digs this sort of interaction and a lot of us send out pretty clear signals about it. (Hint: asking my friends to share dead baby jokes on my facebook page was not a sign that I'm overly interested in your living one). For future reference, unless you and I are what we would both consider to be "close friends" I'd also prefer to not be involved in wedding planning, prolonged conversations about any guy you are seeing/sleeping with/stalking who I haven't heard of before/met/ever showed interest in hearing about, anything related to your diet, something you read in a magazine better known for sex advice than news, your moisturizing routine or anything else that is asking for running sarcastic commentary but not open to receiving it. For both of our sake just avoid this sort of stuff. If it's all you have to talk about, just avoid talking.

I'm not totally anti-kid-convos. Come back to me when they're smearing their poop on the wall, saying awkward things in public, learning dirty words for the first time and generally being the Most Awesome People They'll Ever Be. These are the golden years I totally want to hear about. The ones where they demand to wear their cape to school (if you're an awesome parent they should own AT LEAST one cape). For all the times they knock over/set fire to/ lose something and totally deadpan a lie about how they had nothing to do with it. Bonus points if an imaginary friend is involved.

But until then? Yeah, cooing and mumbling gibberish has never really been my style. At least not sober. So until they do something besides eating, crying, pooping and looking weird how about you just treat me like any of your dude friends and just avoid the over-sharing? It's sexist you know, to subject me to all this awkward forced baby banter when everyone with a penis gets an automatic exemption. But that's another rant.

I think it's a clear expectation. I don't show you pictures of my cat and make you sit there pretending he's the most adorable amazing thing you've ever seen. And he knows how to shit in a box, eat on his own, rarely cries, and is super fluffy... know anything that lacks those characteristics of awesomeness? Sure ya do, it's probably shitting in it's pants, crying to be fed and looking a little ET-like right now. All of which you are documenting with even more pictures of for all of us lucky enough to be considered "close friends".

I'm sure I'll love any little alien I produce much more than my cat. But I won't expect you too. Just sayin'.